9.1 The “Dark Side” of Interpersonal Communication

The phrase “dark side” was in large part popularized when the original Star Wars movie was released in 1977. In the film, Darth Vader tries to entice Luke Skywalker to join the “dark side”—to let his evil side take over. The phrase now has an iconic role in American popular culture, and it generally refers to an evil, malevolent component of something. The phrase “dark side” is also used in reference to how we behave in our interpersonal relationships. In The Dark Side of Interpersonal Communication (1994), interpersonal communication researchers William Cupach and Brian Spitzberg focused on the malevolent forces that influence interactions and relationships. They initially defined the dark side of interpersonal communication as interactions that are challenging, difficult, distressing, and problematic (Cupach & Spitzberg, 1994). Some years later, they refined the definition of dark side messages to those that involve “dysfunctional, distorted, distressing, and destructive aspects of human action” (Spitzberg & Cupach, 1998, p. xiv). Cupach and Spitzberg (1994) decided to study the dark side of communication to balance the scholarly understanding of how we positively relate to each other—through self- disclosure and by showing love, cooperation, and empathy—with the negative, destructive aspects of relationships. Such a balance between bright and dark allows for a more comprehensive consideration of how relationships—and the communication that sustains them—truly function. Research on conflict, jealousy, deception, stalking, hurt, anger, infidelity, and verbal and physical abuse grew exponentially after Spitzberg and Cupach’s initial studies, and with this research, our understanding of the dark side of communication developed as well.

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Some dark messages are not wholly destructive and can sometimes be useful or valuable. Anger, if expressed in a manner that isn’t harmful, can help partners confront and work through relationship challenges.

Before we explore common challenges faced by relational partners, it is important to point out that no message is purely dark, just as no message is entirely bright. There can be negative aspects to messages that we generally view as positive and vice versa. For example, being entirely honest and open with your partner could hurt his or her feelings. In addition, relying on humor and jokes, especially ones that are sarcastic or pointed, can prevent your partner from truly knowing who you are. Likewise, extending social support to another can make things worse if the person in need does not view it as being helpful.

In the same way, dark messages can sometimes be useful or valuable. Being jealous and expressing that jealousy is often viewed as a sign of weakness, but it can also be a signal to your partner that you care or find him or her appealing and attractive. A relationship in which interpersonal conflict is entirely absent may seem calm on the surface, but troublesome issues that are not being addressed likely lie beneath the surface. Expressing anger, if done in a manner that does not hurt anyone psychologically or physically, can help partners realize that the issue is an important one and that frustration has risen to a level that is no longer sustainable. Although communication can be dark, it can also be an essential way to confront relationship difficulties and challenges. The context, situation, and nature of the relationship determine whether messages are viewed as helpful or harmful.

But what is the impact of the dark side of interpersonal communication? Research has shown, time and again, that the more often romantic couples interpersonally grapple with dark issues such as conflict, jealousy, infidelity, and abuse, the lower their satisfaction with the relationship. In fact, engaging in negative marital interactions was a stronger predictor of relationship dissatisfaction than being positive toward each other (Gottman & Krokoff, 1989). Based on this and other findings, psychologist and relationship researcher John Gottman (1994b) proposed that the ratio of positive to negative interactions in a romantic relationship should be 5 to 1 for that relationship to succeed. This 5 to 1 positive to negative message ratio is evidence of how important dark side messages can be in close relationships.

9.2 Relationship Challenges

When you first form a relationship with another person, whether it is romantic or nonromantic, the relationship tends to be harmonious. When a relationship is in its infancy, both people are usually cautious about what they tell each other and how they say things, and they make a conscious effort to present positive information about themselves and to avoid conflict. Researchers have found that one of the reasons new relationships are usually so pleasant is that, at this stage, people emphasize the similarities they have and downplay their differences (Brown & Rogers, 1991).

However, as a relationship progresses, differences between people emerge. We learn about and further explore these differences—both big and small—through our interpersonal communication. We might handle a small difference, such as squeezing the toothpaste from the middle or the bottom of the tube, by making a lighthearted joke in a way that informs our partner that this is an issue, but one that is easily resolvable. In contrast, a larger difference, such as how we handle money or how to depict our relationship to others on social media, might be harder to communicate interpersonally. These larger differences may result in communicative challenges such as interpersonal conflict, expressing jealousy, being deceptive, or engaging in verbal or online abuse. The following sections focus on four of the most prevalent and frequently problematic relationship challenges that individuals encounter: (1) interpersonal conflict and conflict avoidance, (2) jealousy, (3) deception, and (4) verbal and online abuse.

Interpersonal Conflict and Conflict Avoidance

Probably the most frequent relationship challenges that people face are conflicts in their personal and professional life. Interpersonal communication conflict researchers William Wilmot and Joyce Hocker (2013) note that the following must be present for a conflict to exist:

1. There is an expressed struggle, meaning that one or both parties must communicate about the conflict in some verbal or nonverbal manner.

2. There are at least two interdependent parties; the individuals involved need one another in some way, and their choices affect one another.

3. The perception of these parties is that (a) they have incompatible goals, where they both want different things or even want the same thing, such as a promotion, but cannot both have it; (b) they have scarce resources, such that there is not enough of something—money, time, or even love—to go around; and (c) they have interference—

often involving communication—from others in achieving their goals, which means that the other party is perceived to get in the way of how an individual wants to act or what that individual seeks to have. Let’s look at the separate components of this definition in relation to the situation presented at the beginning of the chapter:

• You and your sister openly and directly communicate your feelings and frustrations to each other about this conflict.

• You and your sister depend on and need something from each other. • You and your sister possess different goals (you want your sister’s help in exchange for len

ding her your car, but she has been unwilling or unable to assist you). • There is not enough time or access to the car that can be divided up between you and your

sister. • You each view the other as getting in the way of what you each ultimately want.

Conflicts such as this can worsen over time, potentially even permanently damaging a relationship if they are not successfully managed or resolved. Interpersonal conflict can end marriages, separate friends, break up families, and increase job dissatisfaction and turnover. It can also be painful and damaging to other people who are not directly involved in the conflict. If the conflict occurs in a family, for example, it can negatively affect children and other family members as well as the partners involved in the conflict. In fact, children can also learn their parents’ conflict patterns and go on to use them in their own romantic relationships later in life (Koerner, 2014). Your ability to competently manage and resolve conflict can thus help you face this relationship challenge and preserve your important relationships.

Conflict Styles

One important thing to understand about conflict is the communication style individuals use in conflicts. Management professor M. Afzalur Rahim (1983) identified five basic conflict styles—or patterned behavioral responses—that individuals tend to use across different conflicts and with different people. Though Rahim developed his conflict style typology for the organizational context, it is now also used by scholars interested in conflicts in close relationships. These five styles are composed of various combinations of two related dimensions: (1) how concerned you are about yourself and what you seek to get out of the conflict and (2) how concerned you are about the other person and assisting the other in getting what he or she wants. Figure 9.1 describes how these two dimensions combine to create each conflict style. Let’s look at each of these styles a bit more closely.

Figure 9.1: Conflict styles organized by dimension

Each of the five conflict styles considers the individual’s degree of concern for self versus his or her degree of concern for the other person.

Source: Adapted from Rahim, M. A. (1983). A measure of styles of handling interpersonal conflict. Academy of Management Journal, 26(2), 368–376.

The avoidance conflict style occurs when there is a low concern for yourself and a low concern for the other person. When our style is to avoid conflict, we believe that if we just ignore an issue, it will go away. If your sister prefers the avoidance style during the conflict example we introduced at the beginning of the chapter, she would likely communicate by being evasive, denying that the conflict exists, changing the topic, using humor to deflect the conflict, or physically or emotionally withdrawing from interacting with you (e.g., avoiding eye contact). Withdrawal, by itself, is not always negative; sometimes it is good to get away from the other person to get your emotions under control or to think about the issue before you discuss it. However, researchers found that in failing marriages, negative emotions overwhelm the spouses’ interactions, and the spouses each withdraw as a result (Zautra, 2003). The goal should not be to always avoid conflict, but to strategically use the avoidance style to manage conflict in a useful way. In the accommodation conflict style, there is a low concern for yourself but a high concern for the other person. In other words, you are more interested in giving in to what the other person wants than you are about accomplishing your own goals. An accommodating person tends to give in to the demands of other people and accepts being “put upon” by others. If you used this conflict style with your sister, you might communicate by speaking softly with a low volume and soft pitch and be reluctant to express your opinion. You may also look down and avoid eye contact. Those with an accommodating conflict style have a body posture that is often closed, with their arms drawn inward, and they rarely use gestures to punctuate their speech (Hartley, 1999). The competition conflict style involves a high concern for yourself and a low concern for the other person. This style is evident when an individual engages in aggressive or competitive behavior by being critical, having a win–lose orientation, or engaging in direct confrontation. Imagine both you and your sister are competitive in your conflict. You may communicate by speaking at a high or low pitch and in a demanding tone of voice. Your sister may be forceful in her communication and may try to intimidate you (Arredondo, 2000). The goal is winning, and you each may interrupt, use a loud volume when talking, stare down one another, or even be abusive in your communication. Those who use the competition conflict style run the risk of inviting an even more aggressive response to their statements, which can result in escalating conflicts (Hartley, 1999). In the compromise conflict style, there is a moderate concern both for yourself and for the other person. The individuals in the conflict work together to create a fair solution that is acceptable for both of them, but that also means that no one gets entirely what he or she wants. After you and your sister both cool down, you might try to compromise by negotiating back and forth, suggesting trade-offs, and prioritizing what one wants the most versus what is more easily given up. This may mean that your sister drops everything to help you complete your assignment on time and that you will not ask her to wash your car or refill it with gas. In formal conflict mediation situations, many agreements are compromises—both parties formally agree to give up something in exchange for something else. These are often finalized with formal handshakes.

When you have a high concern for yourself and a high concern for the other person, you will most likely use the collaboration conflict style. People using this style attempt to create a win–win situation for both people—one where both feel satisfied and support the decision or solution they have reached. As opposed to the compromise strategy, where both parties have some gains and some losses, collaboration involves both parties achieving all that they originally sought and being satisfied with the outcome. Because both parties must be satisfied in this conflict style, it is the most challenging and demanding style. Collaborative people will be supportive about what the other person says and may nonverbally communicate their openness by nodding, making eye contact, facing the other person, and shifting their body posture so that it is open (e.g., not sitting with their arms crossed). To collaborate in our conflict example, you and your sister might make statements that disclose and describe your thoughts and feelings and seek information from each other to get the “full picture” of what the other feels and thinks in order to move forward. Your dominant culture can influence the conflict style you are most comfortable using. Much of this research has focused on Hofstede’s individualism–collectivism cultural membership dimension in relation to conflict style usage of American versus non-American cultures (Orbe, Everett, & Putman, 2014). Based on the broad characterization that European American individuals tend to be individualistic, whereas members of Latino, Asian, and African American cultures tend to be more collectivistic, European Americans tend to prefer direct, solution-oriented cultural conflict styles such as compromise and collaboration (Orbe et al., 2014). Asian cultural members tend to prefer both accommodation and avoidance, while Latino individuals tend to rely more on the avoidance style; however, both are likely to show consideration of their partners’ feelings and to be tactful. African American individuals tend to prefer emotional expressiveness and involvement in conflict (Orbe et al., 2014).

Biological sex can be an informative cultural element here as well: African American females tend to prefer direct conflict approaches in an organizational context, whereas European American females tend to be more avoidant and anxious about direct confrontation (Shuter & Turner, 1997). As is always the case with communication patterns, one’s individual approaches and preferences interact with cultural norms to determine one’s conflict style. Also note that these cultural difference findings should not be generalized as stereotypes; approach all conflicts with an open mind.

Overall, these conflict styles are fairly enduring patterns that individuals tend to prefer using in conflicts. However, interacting with a particular person, topic, or situation could mean that you use a different style. Because conflict involves two individuals interacting, the other party in the conflict can affect which conflict style you use. For example, if you usually prefer to compromise or collaborate, but your sister is always extremely competitive, you may choose to use the avoidance style with her because her style preference offers little opportunity to accomplish anything productive when you are in conflict with her. The Self-Test feature will allow you to determine your preferred conflict style or styles.

A Closer Look at Conflict Styles

Narrated video discussing conflict styles, including avoidance, accommodation, competition, compromise, and collaboration.

9.3 Strategies for Communicating Competently During Challenging Tim

es

Rather than trying to eliminate all challenges and negative communication experiences in our close relationships, a more realistic goal is to learn how to better manage these dark interactions when they do occur. The following sections present specific strategies for competently communicating during challenging relationship times.

Express Your Thoughts and Emotions Constructively

In most interactions, competent communication starts with expressing your thoughts and emotions in a helpful or constructive way. It is best to avoid judging or blaming your relational partner because such messages will not assist in accomplishing shared meaning and can actually cause conflict. Below are some ideas about when and how to express your emotions in a constructive manner.

Determine the Appropriate Time and Place to Express Your Thoughts and Emotions

Once you identify your thoughts and emotions, you should figure out the appropriate time and place to express them. Sometimes this is immediately. Maybe you are at a wedding and the bride and groom have just exchanged their vows and kissed—expressing your thoughts and feelings of joy right at the moment would be appropriate. However, just because you are experiencing something does not mean that you must express it immediately, especially if the situation in which you experience the emotion is not the appropriate time for you to address it with the other person. For example, you might be angry at remarks your significant other made at a party, but to avoid making a scene you would probably want to wait until you were at home to discuss just how angry you were. When you put emotions on hold in a situation like this, try to take the earliest appropriate opportunity to discuss the issue with the other person and air out these feelings. Most importantly, do not let your emotions build up and fester over time.

Use “I” Statements

An important key to constructively handling your interactions with others is to take responsibility for your role in the interactions. Instead of accusing someone of causing your emotion by saying, “You make me angry,” it is more accurate and more responsible to say, “I feel angry.” You can mention what the other person is doing that is causing you to feel anger. However, it is important to simply describe the behavior and not judge it. For example, when talking to a significant other, you might say, “Because you are not looking at me when I am talking to you, I feel that you are not interested in what I have to say.” This “I” statement is an example of how one might communicate as part of the collaborative conflict style and des

cribes both how you feel and describes the other person’s behavior without attacking him or her. This approach is much more constructive than using a “you” message such as, “You are rude for not looking at me when I am speaking, and that’s why I am angry.” “You are rude” judges the behavior and then blames the other person for your feeling with the statement, “That’s why I am angry.” It thus reflects the competitive conflict style that we discussed earlier in this chapter.

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Interpersonal communication skills can be used to help prevent conflict. Pay attention to the effects of your speech and behavior and recognize when they can be modified to prevent or diminish conflicts.

Improve Your Conflict Management Skills

It is important to remember that conflict is natural and its expression is bound to occur in any relationship. Instead of always avoiding or aggressively entering into a conflict interaction, try to manage or resolve your differences as competently and constructively as possible. Use the following communication techniques to help develop this skill:

• Identify and encourage positive emotions. • Understand and strengthen your interpersonal communication skills. • Monitor and modify your behaviors and messages. • Recognize and acknowledge when a conflict might not be resolvable.

Because research has shown that positive emotions are important during conflict resolution, reminding the other person how much you care for him or her, gently teasing each other,

or nonverbally showing affection to the other person, such as hugging him or her, are methods you can use to de-escalate a conflict interaction. Your knowledge of the other person and how he or she might react to such displays should govern whether and how you use any of these methods. Remembering the positive things about your relationship when you are in conflict can often allow you to work out differences and have a mutually satisfying resolution—or at least conclusion to that particular interaction—that preserves a happy relationship.

You can also often manage conflict by using the other interpersonal communication skills discussed in this text and increasing your awareness of your own communication behaviors. Are you unconsciously creating potential conflict situations through your use of threatening language? Is your nonverbal behavior—personal space, eye contact, and vocal volume, for example—at times domineering or overbearing? Do you get overly emotional during conflict situations? Paying attention and modifying your behavior, checking your perceptions with other people, practicing effective listening skills, and using the skills of active-empathic listening discussed in Chapter 8 can all be useful means of preventing or diminishing conflict. Also, resist the temptation to judge others when they do not communicate as competently as you would like, and try to be tolerant and accepting of the behavior and messages of others when they explain things in more detail than you need, when they talk too slowly, or when they ramble.

Finally, recognize that you may not be able to resolve all conflicts with communication. Instead, you may have to strive to manage the conflict in a competent way. Conflict, when managed poorly, can sometimes lead to aggressive and violent behavior that can become dangerous and harmful to your safety and security. When conflict becomes destructive or physically, verbally, or emotionally abusive, removing yourself from the situation is likely the best—and safest—way to handle the issue.

(Occasionally) Embrace Your Communication “Dark Side”

You have learned from this chapter that occasionally engaging in a challenging or difficult interaction can have some benefits. Completely avoiding negative interactions can prevent you and your partner from learning more about each other and from discussing potentially important issues. Engaging in conflict can help you gain a greater understanding of your partner’s point of view and, in turn, can help your partner learn more about your perspective. Expressing jealousy in a constructive way can show your partner that you care about and treasure your relationship. Being deceptive about a minor issue can be a way to protect your partner and prevent unnecessary conflict. Even encountering a partner’s abuse or aggression can serve as a clear warning sign not to remain in the relationship. Though the majority of your interactions should be positive, seeing the bright side of the dark interactions with which you and your partner sometimes grapple can ultimately be informative and bring you closer together.